mary kate boring.: debbie downer. weh weh wehhhhhh

i don't really have a purpose for this post. but here goes.

i've been thinking a lot lately. about lots of different things. i just don't feel like my mind is ever settled.

basically i'm just sick of being in a constant state of uncertainty. it's like, there is ALWAYS something. always. every moment. it's either this or that and i'm never really settled. i always think, "tomorrow i will be normal."

nope.

but sometimes, when i too comfortable in all my stuff, things just get worse. then its back to crazy again. then someone has to come save me.

im sick of people trying to saving me. i won't just let God save me. im too freakin stubborn.

obviously it never works to have someone else save me.

i dont even get it. sometimes i can give it all up. but then i can just grab back for an instant and it takes me back 5 steps.

music. lets talk about music.

sometimes, people sing things better than i can say them.

"i need to be reminded of who I was when I took that first step out the door

All i said now follows me around

I'm reminded i'm not like that anymore.

isn't that just like a finite mind

setting out with such righteous indignation

but now i'm at your feet

could you look at me with some imagination?

so remind me why you woke me up

and why you wake me every morn

the staff in your hand

held in by your love

just stay close. stay close.

because i know my own mind

i set out with righteous indignation

but when i'm at your feet

please look at me with imagination"

basically. i'm frustrated. in every aspect of my life.

with myself more than anything. with others. with god.

i can bake until i'm blue in the face, it only temporarily removes the frustration (funny, but true)

i am continually let down, and broken.

tonight at bible study we were talking about suffering. i feel like in my life, i have not been through very much suffering. but this point was brought up: the suffering you feel is the only suffering that you know. and it seems the worst that you know. even though i don't have huge family problems or blah blah, my suffering is still valid, because it is all i know. i shouldn't try to lessen it.

lately, i've been witnessing a lot of suffering. in every area of my life, most of it not even impacting me directly. i have not dealt with it. i have pushed it to the back and become bitter. about everything. i have completely shut down and thought my feelings were illegitimate. i understand that my frustrations are real, but that does not solve the problem.

that doesn't bring their family back together. that doesn't mend their hearts. that doesn't get them out of that abusive home. it doesn't stop them (or me) from sinning. it won't keep him on this earth any longer. it does not make that sweet little face unscarred.

that is the hardest thing for me. letting go of control. it makes me see a tiny bit of what jesus sees, a little bit of what he feels, how he loves.

i'm not sure how his heart hasn't exploded. because mine is about to.

but i know he loves them all so much more than i do, that's the only thing that's keeping me from running.

this is me being incredibly vulnerable to my little blog friends out there. i haven't talked about any of this until tonight

i miss this little face. so much.