"As the mountains surround Jerusalem, 

so the Lord surrounds his people,

from this time forth and forevermore."

--psalm 125:25

"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;

I will PROTECT him, because he knows my name."

--psalm 91:14

scripture clearly tells us God will protect us. but where is he now?

i've been beating around this for months. finally saying it aloud.

i can't seem to find him.

i can scream, yell, and cry until i can do it no more, and i have.

i think i am out of tears. out of thoughts.

my head hurts from it all.

it's not even fighting for me.

where is he? they are not protected. they are not safe.

they do not know him, how could they? i guess that's where we come in, right?

that's what everyone keeps saying it.

lately i think thats a cop out. i think that is crap. sometimes i think its all pointless.

the suffering continues, and they endure.

they don't even know they are doing it.

but God makes promises of protection.

he will keep them safe.

i can read my bible for 3 hours and not get any answers. 

maybe this isn't something that can be solved. 

it just seems to be one thing after another. piling on. levels of my heart hardening on top of one another. quicker and quicker.

there are small moments of joy, but they are few, and getting fewer. i'm about to break.

i can look at that perfect little face and see such drastic angles. a little glimpse of God, and then the most awful and painful suffering.

i feel like the world is on top of my shoulders.

it really was on jesus' shoulders. all the time.

that thought it keeping me going.

i wish my heart was different. it would be so much easier, i wouldn't have to feel these burdens.

i've been told it's a blessing, i disagree right now.

i want him to save them, and me. i'm begging. crying out.

and yet i'm still in the same place. i thought i'd given it up.

i dont really have anyone to talk this through with. hence the blog.

i need some answers. probably only ones god can give me.

but i'm listening. and still not hearing anything.

it was on my mind. and my people resources seem minimal. they've all been paired off. so i am blogging about it.

thoughts...?

sorry i'm so sad, mk