wink.

its weird for me to look at my last post, and see where things are now.
for those of you that don't know, my grandpa died on tuesday of last week, the 22nd.
i cant look that last post without feeling like i'm going to throw up.
he was one of the most important people in my whole world.
he loved me in a way that reflects how Jesus loves me.

i have never experienced loss this deep. i've never hurt this badly. it is a constant pain. and i know it cannot be relieved. i didn't know i could hurt this much.
there is nothing in the entire world i can do to fix this.
i am just so deeply sad. and i feel like no one understands. except for my mom and brothers.

i dont really want to write about it. that makes it too real. and that is too hard.
i probably won't want to talk about it either.
i just felt i was due for an update.
i also had a birthday. thanks for all the phone calls and text messages and emails.
i probably didn't return them. if i did, you are one of the lucky ones.

its amazing how many people have rallied around me in this time. i have gotten so much support from all of my friends. people have been so great. so thanks for that.

i dont have anything insightful to put up.
i wish i had something positive. but im still hurting a lot. the tears wont seem to stop.
i find very bad ways of numbing myself. i just dont really know how to respond.
i havent been grieving the way i thought i would.
i don't talk about it. but i think that's okay. i dont really know though.

looking at pictures doesn't hurt, at this moment. because this can't really be happening in my head. i could just drive over to his house and he will be sitting in his chair in his bedroom or out on the porch.
he's not supposed to leave me. he's supposed to be here. to take care of me and tell me how much he loves me.

i know i'll be ok in time. because he is with Jesus. that is way better. i just miss him.
he's not in pain. it was quick. he knew we loved him.
i just don't know columbia without him. he can't really be gone.
it just doesn't seem right.
my little world has been shattered. it's interesting to see how things have been put in perspective. i know people always say that, but it has really shown me a lot. things just don't seem that important anymore.

im just not ready to let go.

miss you papa.