a woman's right to shoes

"the fact is, sometimes it's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes.  That's why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun."

--carrie bradshaw

i've been thinking. after two bridal showers within 30 hours, one starts to think about weddings.

brides get all these presents. which is great. i'm happy to give my married friends presents.

and if people have babies. that's all fun.

but what if i never get married? or never have babies?

will i get presents?

no.

at this rate, it looks like i'll graduate college. move into my own home, and have to buy myself things that normal married people would get given to them. marriages are celebrated, as they should be.

but what about singleness? i will not be celebrated for being single.

i will get no gifts for moving into my own home.

i don't get to register for all the things in the world.  

don't get me wrong, i'm more than happy to buy my nice married friends things. but will i ever get presents? nope.

someone suggested a house warming party.  this is not nearly as cool. people dont want to bring presents to a house warming party.

there is an episode of sex and the city about this.  it's called a woman's right to shoes.

let me give you a summary. carrie goes to a baby shower and the woman makes her take her shoes off. someone steals them, this woman refuses to buy carrie new shoes. they are 

not just any shoes. they are like, 600$ 

silver manolo blahnik (the bmw of shoes). 

they are simply fabulous.

so carrie is thinking, and realizes how much money she has spent on this woman over the years of wedding and baby showers.  it was something like 1500$.  and yet, this woman has never bought carrie anything.  so carrie points this out, her friend still refuses.

so carrie decides to register at manolo blahnik for the pair of shoes.

this is where we leave off. start the clip at 45 seconds

pretty much the most amazing thing ever. as single women, this is like redemption.

i mean really, is it fair?

"I am thinking about the single gal.  Hallmark doesn't make a "congratulations you didn't marry the wrong guy" card.  And where's the flatware for going on vacation alone?!"

so true. anyways. those are my thoughts.  here are some pictures of baked goods.

i made red velvet cake balls (blended red velvet cake and cream cheese icing), froze them with a stick in them, and dipped them in chocolate. 

and i made cupcakes with fondant roses. i think they were cute.

well. thats about all i have to say. 

---mary kate

"As the mountains surround Jerusalem, 

so the Lord surrounds his people,

from this time forth and forevermore."

--psalm 125:25

"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;

I will PROTECT him, because he knows my name."

--psalm 91:14

scripture clearly tells us God will protect us. but where is he now?

i've been beating around this for months. finally saying it aloud.

i can't seem to find him.

i can scream, yell, and cry until i can do it no more, and i have.

i think i am out of tears. out of thoughts.

my head hurts from it all.

it's not even fighting for me.

where is he? they are not protected. they are not safe.

they do not know him, how could they? i guess that's where we come in, right?

that's what everyone keeps saying it.

lately i think thats a cop out. i think that is crap. sometimes i think its all pointless.

the suffering continues, and they endure.

they don't even know they are doing it.

but God makes promises of protection.

he will keep them safe.

i can read my bible for 3 hours and not get any answers. 

maybe this isn't something that can be solved. 

it just seems to be one thing after another. piling on. levels of my heart hardening on top of one another. quicker and quicker.

there are small moments of joy, but they are few, and getting fewer. i'm about to break.

i can look at that perfect little face and see such drastic angles. a little glimpse of God, and then the most awful and painful suffering.

i feel like the world is on top of my shoulders.

it really was on jesus' shoulders. all the time.

that thought it keeping me going.

i wish my heart was different. it would be so much easier, i wouldn't have to feel these burdens.

i've been told it's a blessing, i disagree right now.

i want him to save them, and me. i'm begging. crying out.

and yet i'm still in the same place. i thought i'd given it up.

i dont really have anyone to talk this through with. hence the blog.

i need some answers. probably only ones god can give me.

but i'm listening. and still not hearing anything.

it was on my mind. and my people resources seem minimal. they've all been paired off. so i am blogging about it.

thoughts...?

sorry i'm so sad, mk

bed?

this is my blanket. it sits on the end of my bed every day. 

i lay it across my bed before i go to bed every night.

i probably fold and unfold this bed 3 times a day.

it is my favorite blanket in all the world. it's one of those really freakishly soft ones.

its excellent for snuggling. in all hours of the day.

the logical thing to do would be to just put it under my comforter. make it a part of my actual bedding.

but no. not me. i like to make things difficult.

i have the same habits every day. every night. to get ready for bed i do the exact same thing, every single night. put my pillows in exactly the same order. in the same places.

this is pinky.

i just took this picture of him

i sleep with him. i have ever i was like, 2.

my best friend merrell and i got the same stuffed animal.

hers was pink, mine was yellow.

we named them both pinky. pinky has been good to me.

he is also excellent for snuggling.

i have a very difficult time sleeping without pinky tucked under my arm.

well, i just really like bed, and soft snugly things. so i thought i would share some of my thoughts with all of you.

time for me to go to bed.

-mary kate

baked goods.

i wasn't sure what to write about. the serious blog didn't go over too well so here i go. on something i love very much.

ok here we go. i absolutely love baking.

all things. as i'm sure most of you know, i can't have any dairy. i am lactose intolerant. and i love sugar. so i was like, frick. now i cant have anything good and delicious.

FALSE!

i have recently discovered the joys of vegan baking.

my roommates and friends can attest. i bake all the freakin time.

this weekend i baked peanut butter bombs. basically chocolate peanut butter cookies with little peanut butter balls inside them.  incredibly rich, but delicious.

study. bake. study study study. bake. cook dinner. bake. study. study. study study.

that = my weekend

i do not discriminate. i bake all things.

it is therapeutic.

 really.

if you want some sweets. call me.

i am addicted to sugar.

i made this one time. it was like heaven. it was the most delicious thing ever. (not my picture, same cake though)

you would think that something without dairy or eggs would not be good. false. the recipes i have discovered have been the greatest deserts ever. 

my next bake is going to be these little lemon Poppy seed muffins. aren't they the cutest things ever?!!??

okay so i'm taking requests. it's going to be a stressful week so i will need to bake. tell me what you want. if there are special ingredients, buy them for me. otherwise, i'm open to suggestions.

--mary kate

debbie downer. weh weh wehhhhhh

i don't really have a purpose for this post. but here goes.

i've been thinking a lot lately. about lots of different things. i just don't feel like my mind is ever settled.

basically i'm just sick of being in a constant state of uncertainty.  it's like, there is ALWAYS something. always. every moment. it's either this or that and i'm never really settled.  i always think, "tomorrow i will be normal."

nope.

but sometimes, when i too comfortable in all my stuff, things just get worse.  then its back to crazy again. then someone has to come save me.

im sick of people trying to saving me. i won't just let God save me. im too freakin stubborn.

obviously it never works to have someone else save me.

 i dont even get it. sometimes i can give it all up. but then i can just grab back for an instant and it takes me back 5 steps.

music. lets talk about music. 

sometimes, people sing things better than i can say them.

"i need to be reminded of who I was when I took that first step out the door

All i said now follows me around

I'm reminded i'm not like that anymore.

isn't that just like a finite mind

setting out with such righteous indignation

but now i'm at your feet

could you look at me with some imagination?

so remind me why you woke me up

and why you wake me every morn

the staff in your hand

held in by your love

just stay close. stay close.

because i know my own mind

i set out with righteous indignation

but when i'm at your feet

please look at me with imagination"

basically. i'm frustrated. in every aspect of my life.

with myself more than anything. with others. with god.

i can bake until i'm blue in the face, it only temporarily removes the frustration (funny, but true)

i am continually let down, and broken.

tonight at bible study we were talking about suffering. i feel like in my life, i have not been through very much suffering.  but this point was brought up: the suffering you feel is the only suffering that you know. and it seems the worst that you know. even though i don't have huge family problems or blah blah, my suffering is still valid, because it is all i know. i shouldn't try to lessen it.

lately, i've been witnessing a lot of suffering. in every area of my life, most of it not even impacting me directly. i have not dealt with it. i have pushed it to the back and become bitter. about everything.  i have completely shut down and thought my feelings were illegitimate.  i understand that my frustrations are real, but that does not solve the problem.

that doesn't bring their family back together. that doesn't mend their hearts. that doesn't get them out of that abusive home. it doesn't stop them (or me) from sinning. it won't keep him on this earth any longer. it does not make that sweet little face unscarred. 

that is the hardest thing for me. letting go of control.  it makes me see a tiny bit of what jesus sees, a little bit of what he feels, how he loves.

i'm not sure how his heart hasn't exploded. because mine is about to.

but i know he loves them all so much more than i do, that's the only thing that's keeping me from running.

this is me being incredibly vulnerable to my little blog friends out there. i haven't talked about any of this until tonight

i miss this little face. so much.

i guess i get these perfect little ones in the mean time, though

the most beautiful little girls in alllll the world.

on that note, i'm off to my freshly washed sheets, one of my favorite thing. 

it's the little things, right?

--mary kate boring.

(spring break) in the city

well. i just signed my life away. in a really exciting way though.

i just acknowledged my acceptance into the school of social work.  i got into the program (not a challenge, but baby i did it).  now i just sign the paper and send it back.

i feel like i'm finally where i belong. it's quite exciting!!

so anways, went to nyc. had a lovely time. ate lovely food. saw my lovely family. i basically only took pictures with my new lens. so here are a few: 

dairy free cupcakes!


from the cutest little vegan bakery!

manolos ma-no-no's i can't tell em

(name that rap song)

brother.

the beautiful couple.

cabbie.

funny buildings.

whoa.

thats about it. its taking too long to put any more on. so. it was a fabulous trip.

now i'm back. to reality. the good and the bad. 

i am on like, 7 hours of sleep in the last two nights.

i had a total of 5 espresso shots today.

plus to coffee. what the heck.

my body is aching. plus i'm a little dizzy.

and its time for bed. hopefully.

maybe ill write more later.

-mary kate katherine