bookling.

marta said i needed to update. and i do. so here i go




today, i got to just sit and read. for pleasure. not for class or something stupid.
i'm reading the bell jar, by sylvia plath.
it was glorious. i read for 2 hours, then took a nap.
i haven't taken a nap in foreverrr!

the next book on my list:




the unabridged journals of sylvia plath.
i'm on a sylvia plath kick. thank you emily lewis.
its a rather depressing note, but i'm enjoying it.

on a more colorful note. oscar de la renta. spring 2008. o.m.g.







check out that detail. ooh bay bay bay bay!

you guys probably don't care. but i do. and this is my blog. so there! ha.

so anyways. i was reading the bell jar, and she said something.  it isn't like this huge monumental thing, but it made me think.

she had just started hanging out with this guy and she gets envious with him talking about someone else, and she says:

"I decided to expect nothing from Buddy Willard.  If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed."

a rather sucky thought, but it's true, isn't it? i feel like i always go into situations with these high expectations.  maybe they are unrealistic, but i don't really think they are.  i think over and over again, maybe this will be the time it changes. and it never really does. thinking this one conversation is going to do the trick, or this one action is going to affect it all. and does it ever? not really. but what does? what can change things?

but when is it all going to change? when are they going to realize the destruction that they cause to themselves? when am i going to stop being such a huge brat? when will things be right?

never. and i need to just deal with it. i need to be CONTENT with situations. with my relationships with people, and their relationships with God. they aren't really the ones in control are they? it's all they know to be destructive. it's all they've ever been shown. i can't be disappointed in them if they have no clue, can i? but i continually am.  i think mostly because it breaks my heart. it makes me hurt inside to see people living in such pain. but i am i any better? do i get to look down on them because i SEEM to have it all together, when really i don't? i should be disappointed in myself, and i am.  i just don't let it show, and i try to suppress it. tell myself i am good enough. 

but it is about being good enough? i don't even know. i can't find the balance, and i am so worn out from trying. i can't expect nothing out of myself, that is not practical. i would not get anything done. but i expect too much i just beat myself up. 

but can i expect nothing out of everyone else? what state would my relationships be in? they would fall apart. or would they? but they always let me down anyways.

i guess it all boils down to really being content with where i am. such is the problem. i'm working on it. its getting better, but i think it's something we all struggle with. right now, the only thing i can see is graduation. over a year and a half away. ha! i just want to be at granny's house, every day, loving kids, having that be my real life. not having school. having the kids. loving the kids! it is such a joy! 

anyway. i'm going to go read myself to sleep. 

i'll peace out on a happy note.

what if i wore this, would you still be my friend??

tee hee hee

--mary kate