here is something i have noticed about myself after the death of my grandpa:

it has sort of changed who i am. of course, i am still me. but it has immensely changed a lot of the desires that i have. i'm not really sure who to be. i've lost a large part of me.

example: photography. ever since i can remember, i have LOVED photographing the moments in life, nearly every moment. i took photo classes all thru high school and one in college.
over the last 9 months, i have only taken like, 500 pictures. (that might seem like a lot, but for me, it's not) about 400 of those were of granny's house kids. i went to san francisco and took 26 pictures with my fancy schmancy camera. the old me would have taken hundreds. the only thing i still take pictures of is kids, because that has NO connection to him. it doesn't remind me of him. everything else does.

it's interesting, because my grandpa was one of my FAVORITE things to photograph. i used him for countless school photography projects. 2 weeks before he died we went to Michigan. i must have taken 200 pictures of him alone. he was fascinating to me.
i think it's just become a little jaded. its like, so many times, his face was the one i saw when i looked through. and now it's gone, and nothing really matches up to it.

capturing anyone in that moment won't keep them there forever. nothing can. capturing the moment doesn't seem as special to me anymore, because the moment disappears anyways.

not to be a debbie downer. but tonight, lacy asked me about the picture's i'd taken in san francisco. i've been thinking about this (and other changes) a lot lately and felt like processing it. i dont want to do it aloud, so here i blog. i've also been up since 5am and am going on about 4 hours of sleep, so i might seem slightly emo.

on a happier note:
i haven't seen this mother trucker for almost a year. (my brother joe)



and i get to see him in like, 1 WEEK!
and i am very excited about it.

that's all i got for now. i'll put up the few pictures i have soon.
--mary kate