it's christmas time, so open up the flood gates

"This is my winter song.
december never felt so wrong,
cause you're not where you belong"

alright so here it goes, the depressing holiday season entry. sorry. it had to happen at some point. and today has been one of the longest and most emotionally draining in many months.
i'm already on the breaking point of emotions, why not look at old christmas pictures and cry? they say it's healthy.



that being said, this is the point in the year when i just want to scream: what the eff.
the last few days have just been a whirlwind of emotions. so will the next 2 weeks.
the first christmas without him. i took these pictures last year at christmas.
what? how is it already here? im not ready.


he was the most precious thing to me. and where the hell is he?

brandi carlile words it well:

"It's right about Christmas time
Thinking about moving on
I think I might die inside"

this was the time of year i have been dreading. if i can just make it through christmas, ill be okay.i feel so aimless. like my heart has just become empty. my emotions are intensely amplified. like my heart has been taken apart. i could ignore it some of the time. now i can't. i feel this intense pain inside. today it has manifested into physical pain. so if i'm a little gloomy, i apologize. i am overcome with grief.

i know jesus was born. obviously. which is the only thing keeping me in christmas this year. so let's just celebrate the fact that jesus was born, and try to forget all the other parts about that day. focus on jesus.

"I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint; my heart is like wax; it is melted."
later in the chapter he says this:
"You have rescued me. I will tell of your name to my brothers. in the midst of the congregation I will praise you."
-psalm 22

i'm going to focus on that. and try to block everything else out. all the pain and sadness.

that's all i got. hopefully the next christmas entry will be better.

love, mary kate